…i know i just want to believe, B-U-T i can’t. i can, but i can’t. not right now. it will happen though. someday. you know i so busy talking about what i want…. the family… the husband… the kids… the career… the heart… the strength. but maybe right now its just not my time to have these things. maybe there is something im missing. a message in front of my face that im overlooking. something that i need to do first before i will be worthy of this blessings. —-for thats what they are-blessings.
we’re both not ready for it. i keep talking about how im ready, but LORD knows that im not. i can only believe that. that he needs me to be in a certain place before it can be entrusted to me. ive already realized that i need to stop focusing on other people… nati and even randell. (and yes…. he is the one that pointed that out to me) focus on myself instead. its what im doing…im realizing that im not ok with certain things… im realizing what’s important to me again.
remember when i was lying on your bed that night…. and i was crying. i told you that for the longest time i felt like the things i put aside because they were just wants…. the parts of me that made me but i didn’t allow myself to be cuz it put others in places they didn’t want to be…. you made me feel like i could be that person. its why i put my heart to rest right next to you.
i can no longer be that person. i can no longer ask for 5min of your time each day, because i don’t have a particular topic to discuss. i can no longer ask you for intimacy, because ive made it seem like that’s the only way we can be ok. i can no longer ask for you attention, because so much is already asked of you. i can no longer imagine to be your wife, because our conversation can never go deeper than of a co-worker.
there is nothing for me to say to you. i feel as though there is tape on my mouth. but i CAN’T blame you. there is song playing …. ‘half-crazy’ he just said, ‘i can’t say anything to you cause you take everything so personal… now you just get mad… i just want my friend back.’
you told me you can’t talk to me because of ‘things like this.’ the arguments we get into.
i just want you to do what you do. i keep saying that…. and i mean it. i hate that you are someone else when im not around. i hate that we are not a true couple. we live together, but we are so far apart. you are much closer and open up so much more to others than to myself. ….. yes im talking about her.
she’s your #1 female. you say she’s not… why cuz your fucking me. cuz you kiss me…. cuz you buy me things. but you mind you give to her. you dreams you give to her. your voice you give to her. i have your dick… she has your voice … your undivided attention with whatever she wants to talk about.
i go from anger… to hurt… to peace. back to anger…. to hurt… to peace.
i can’t tell you how much it hurt me….. again. because to you ….that was then. when i feel like i have to cry by myself and not have you to console me…. i feel alone.
good night. to us. i don’t want to wake up anymore.
