… is it truly necessary to point everything out? doesn’t compassion play a role every once in awhile? i don’t understand. or is it im just a perfectionist? you know i hate it when people latch onto something and use it as an excuse. sure you can use your past, your habits, the influence of your parents, or ‘ just the way you are’ as the logic behind your deeds periodically, but all the time? i have to – of coarse – look at myself first and see if im hiding behind something as an excuse. could my ‘perfectionalism’ be causing me to expect so much from him- unreasonably to much? could hypocrisy be truly a way that i am… and i don’t want to admit it?
letting go…. 10.19.09
… its was a night she doesn’t want to be in vain. coming from a place within that truly desired to understand the situation, but yes- together with a measure of her fear, she just wanted to know why. why? she’s knew there was nothing for her to fear….. but she just wanted to know why? what emotions are triggering the actions? if he knows that she is truly trying…. if he knows that she wants to improve why would he not want to help the situation. he is in no wrong for deleting them, the act in itself isn’t wrong, but why? why? He says its for this very reason…. referring to her ‘mood’. she assumes he’s referring to the questions, to the ‘waste of time’. she can understand that. can he understand that she is truly trying to accept everything about him, love everything about him? can he not understand that? is it wrong of her to ask for his help by being completly open with her about everything? does she not have the right for such a request? she feels she has the right to ask, but at the same time he has the right to refuse. and with that, frankly, it all boils down to compromisation. how much are you willing to give up? how much can you live without, while still maintaining your authenticity? she’s beginning to realize this, she is beginning to understand this, she is beginning to accept this.
good night 10.17.09
…i know i just want to believe, B-U-T i can’t. i can, but i can’t. not right now. it will happen though. someday. you know i so busy talking about what i want…. the family… the husband… the kids… the career… the heart… the strength. but maybe right now its just not my time to have these things. maybe there is something im missing. a message in front of my face that im overlooking. something that i need to do first before i will be worthy of this blessings. —-for thats what they are-blessings.
we’re both not ready for it. i keep talking about how im ready, but LORD knows that im not. i can only believe that. that he needs me to be in a certain place before it can be entrusted to me. ive already realized that i need to stop focusing on other people… nati and even randell. (and yes…. he is the one that pointed that out to me) focus on myself instead. its what im doing…im realizing that im not ok with certain things… im realizing what’s important to me again.
remember when i was lying on your bed that night…. and i was crying. i told you that for the longest time i felt like the things i put aside because they were just wants…. the parts of me that made me but i didn’t allow myself to be cuz it put others in places they didn’t want to be…. you made me feel like i could be that person. its why i put my heart to rest right next to you.
i can no longer be that person. i can no longer ask for 5min of your time each day, because i don’t have a particular topic to discuss. i can no longer ask you for intimacy, because ive made it seem like that’s the only way we can be ok. i can no longer ask for you attention, because so much is already asked of you. i can no longer imagine to be your wife, because our conversation can never go deeper than of a co-worker.
there is nothing for me to say to you. i feel as though there is tape on my mouth. but i CAN’T blame you. there is song playing …. ‘half-crazy’ he just said, ‘i can’t say anything to you cause you take everything so personal… now you just get mad… i just want my friend back.’
you told me you can’t talk to me because of ‘things like this.’ the arguments we get into.
i just want you to do what you do. i keep saying that…. and i mean it. i hate that you are someone else when im not around. i hate that we are not a true couple. we live together, but we are so far apart. you are much closer and open up so much more to others than to myself. ….. yes im talking about her.
she’s your #1 female. you say she’s not… why cuz your fucking me. cuz you kiss me…. cuz you buy me things. but you mind you give to her. you dreams you give to her. your voice you give to her. i have your dick… she has your voice … your undivided attention with whatever she wants to talk about.
i go from anger… to hurt… to peace. back to anger…. to hurt… to peace.
i can’t tell you how much it hurt me….. again. because to you ….that was then. when i feel like i have to cry by myself and not have you to console me…. i feel alone.
good night. to us. i don’t want to wake up anymore.
accepting change. 06.14.09
…am i really opting for this ‘new technology’? instead of my kids finding a box of hand written letters, they are going to find a ‘thumb drive’ full of writings. i always thought there was something special a HAND written note contained. i guess, for me, a computerized font takes away the personality of a letter. – and yet here i am. =)
i really don’t know where to begin.
im finding myself desperately wanting to be happy. so so many people have different roads to that. so people say its a spiritual road. some say its the career road. others: the family road, the material road, and the list goes on and on. with all that one can read, its still left up the the individual themselves-meeh- to decide for themselves what will make them happy.
the cause for the opposite of happiness for me-misery, sadness, pain, emptiness-is simply not living. not living to me means going through life living on the surface of everything. the surface of loving. the surface of giving. the surface of your finances. the surface of your family. the surface of yourself. contrary, when you ARE living, things are stable, because they are so deep rooted. deep thought goes into EVERYTHING. from what to eat- remembering health effects- remember those who have no food-remember the joy of eating with a family around you. to what career you will live your life pursuing-remember what you love-remembering what will feed your soul- remembering what will benefit the greater cause. then in between you have who you will love, who you will let love you. deep thought goes into EVERYTHING for me.
i still have yet to find if that is truly the cause of my happiness that i have had momentarily in different parts of my life. or was it the times when i just didn’t think about anything that i was most happy-when i just let the emotions of my heart carry me like the wind carries a feather. i don’t know. maybe it was a balance of both.
we’ll leave it there for now.
a new beginning 06.14.09
Not quite sure how this website works ‘en all, but im hoping that i can just use this as a release of all the jumble inside my head. im not worried about grammar. im not worried about spelling. before i begin let me post this and see what it looks like.
final blog assignment 05.14.09
I am a true believer in what is called your ‘authentic self’. This is the identity that is in its truest and purest form and has not been governed, influenced, or created by external means. I do not believe that there is an ‘influence’ on our authentic self, but instead it is something that written in our DNAs. On the other hand and more commonly seen on the forefront is the created identity. This is the identity that has been influenced by our parents, our surroundings, our experiences, or even by the effect of our own choices. For me, and for many others, our teenage years were the most influential years. The biggest influence I had in this created identity, that I still carry on but for the most part have shed off, were my religious days.
It wasn’t anything that she would ever do. She even would always avoid conversations about it: sex, drugs, and alcohol. In all but a few seconds so much rambled on in her head. She knew if she did go, she would feel out of place. She also knew if she DIDN’T go, she would stick out like a sore thumb. Her status would equal those that didn’t go because of some kind of club meeting in the library that night. That was a label she didn’t want, especially now, since she just moved into town. This is THE opportunity to show for something. Looking into Tracy’s eyes, quickly trying to deliberate her response, she keeps hearing the words of 1Corithians 15:33, ‘Bad association spoils useful habits.’ ‘Bad association spoils useful habits.’ Reasoning kicked in, ‘It’s just this one time.’ It was then she heard herself, ‘Hell ya! I’d love to go!’ It was the year’s biggest seniors’ party. As she walks away she mumbles to herself, ‘Am I really going to go? Will my reaction to the drugs/sex/ alcohol give me away? Will I be able to say no? Fudge, hope word doesn’t get out that I’m goin.’
It’s a beautiful morning and I jump up out of bed ready to start my day. I put on my favorite blue pairs of jeans, the ones that are beat-up and stringy at the bottom, because of constant dragging. Then, I pull over and put on my forest green t-shirt, the one with black hearts on them. Last, but certainly not least, I put on the best pair of kicks there are out there-simple black chucks. Confident, I open the door and get ready to step out into the big, big world. Then comes the part I hate. It happens everyday. My shadow appears, takes over, and leads in everything. To me, she she’s such a contrast to myself, but then again she’s just a shadow, no details seen. So she’s open to anyone’s judgment. She is first person that everyone meets and unfortunately for those who only come across me in the outside world, it is the only person they will meet.
When people meet me, my shadow that is, they take me for what they see. How my shadow moves is all they have to read. They see ‘me’ laugh at their jokes- head bobbing. They see me runnin’ as the boys chase me-legs so long. They even see me smokin’ with them-arms reaching out for the passing joint. They see me joining them on a skipout day- shadow disappearing after I go into the car. So as far as they know, I’m the cool new kid. I fit right in. They don’t see the details though, just the outlining. They don’t see the intimidation on my face when they walk up to me. They don’t see the fear in my eyes each time I get into the car with a bunch of drunken people; thank goodness they are using the moment to get shuteye. They don’t see the disgust on my face when I puff those nasty cigarettes. To keep myself hidden, I always make sure I go home before the sun sets.
Light projects a shadow and provides and outline when it shines upon an object. Similarly, I believe- from my personal experience- that when I am put in the spot light, I throw forth or give to others a shadow form of my personality. You will not receive the details of my personality, the things that lie deep within, instead you will get a brief outlining of what makes me, me. In the case of my teenage years, I felt as though I was constantly in the lime light, people trying to examine me and get every detail of me. After a while it seem as though it was automatic that I would allow my shadow to overtake me and very much prove to be a reality. It wasn’t until I was home, alone- in my darken bedroom- that I would feel and see as I look in the mirror- the sketchy image of my dayself change back to who I really was.
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paper 3 05.08.09
After doing research, I have found that the water usage in regards to times past and present has not changed. Don’t believe me? Take a moment to think about it. Just when you think you’ve got an example, do a little research and you will find that it has been used for the same purpose in the past, probably just in a different way or different scale. This is not surprising because technology has certainly advanced. I was stumped so many times. I did find a difference in how convenient and available water is. We don’t have to walk miles to obtain water. We don’t have to pump water to obtain our daily supply. Actually, even with that, there are the exceptions to those who do still live in rural areas, or those in undeveloped countries. What I would like to discuss are two examples of water usage that has had the ability to unite us as a nation and worldwide, and another that I find truly personal.
The year is 1896. The location is the Mediterranean Sea. Athletes were dropped off into the 13 degree Celsius icy waters by boat. 1200 meters away from shore, they begin their race[i] back for gold.
I am sure we all can attest that as a nation we certainly do work hard! It is no surprise then that we also love to play hard. We all have our favorite sports, but I am going to be bias, coming from an island and enjoying summer practically all year long, and choose to discuss water activities. What recreational event out there will have all of us rooting for the U.S.? Ahhh…yes! The Summer Olympics. Certainly, water plays a major part in this event. As you can tell, we have come a long way since, to the temperature controlled pools designed to minimize turbulence and waves. Not to mentioned the lane markers that keep everyone in line, so that others don’t mess up their groove. Included in these Olympic water sports are diving, water polo, synchronized swimming, and swimming. We still use our rivers, lakes, and oceans for other sports such as canoeing, rowing, and sailing.
Outside of this major event, we still gather in our smaller communities to enjoy the cooling effect of water. Public swimming pools to private backyard swimming pools allow us to come together. The excitement is just as loud as when kids use to gather around busted fire hydrants on a blazing day. Fly fishing, line fishing, water skiing, snorkeling, and diving are all different types of ways we cool off and enjoy our beautiful, natural bodies of water.
Let us not forget that we need to keep our bodies hydrated even though we are surrounding ourselves with water. Obviously! We know that heat and exertion certainly cause us to lose fluids in our body. Amazingly, despite having a nutrient label that looks like this: Calories 0 ,Total Fat 0g, Cholesterol 0mg, Sodium 1mg, Total Carbohydrate 0g, Protein 0g, Vitamin A 0%, Vitamin C 0%, Calcium 0%, Iron 0%, it does wonders to know how it keeps our bodies functioning. So don’t think you’re missing out on too much when you can’t afford the colored stuff. H2o is just fine.
Going back to just how hard we work, it is also not surprising just how much energy we use to keep things running around us. This is the case worldwide, not just within our nation. Eliminating coal as an electricity resource and completely transferring over to renewable resources will improve the atmosphere that blankets ALL nations. At this moment, ‘about 40% of the world’s electricity comes from coal, and approximately 49% of the United States electricity comes from coal.’[ii] That is a good percentage actually-not crazy high, but we should never back down or miss an opportunity for improving. Burning coal causes toxins to be released into the air, including carbon dioxide-which contributes to global warming and sulfur dioxide-which contributes to respiratory and cardiovascular problems for people who have heart or lung disease or asthma.[iii] As an alternative, using water to produce electricity proves very advantageous.
‘The first hydroelectric power plant began operation in September 30, 1882.’[iv] The location was Wisconsin. Even before then, water mills were created to grind corn and other grains. These hydroelectric plants were a grander means of exploiting this natural resource of water for a needed cause. Hydroelectricity makes up about 19% of the worlds electricity, and leads at 63% in regards to electricity from renewable resources. The top three countries using this means are as follows: Norway 98%, Brazil 85%, and Venezuela 67%.[v] ‘In the United States, more than 2,000 hydropower plants make hydro-electric power the country’s largest renewable energy source (at 49 percent).’[vi] A few advantages to using our water resource this way are reduction in fuel cost, carbon dioxide not produced-since no fuel is burned, and with reservoirs created, it provides a recreational area for the community.
Finally, on a more personal note, one of the first things I thought of in regards to water would be- water for spiritual purposes. Water for many people represents something pure and flawless. It isn’t any wonder then that many connect water to the Most High- whoever it may be for them. I myself believe that holy water is truly something that comes from a person’s faith. So I may not personally believe in holy water, but the faith in it I commend.
The holy water, in the instance of the Roman Catholic Church, is simply, but respectively water that has been blessed by the priest created for the baptism. Unlike the holy water used for exorcism and blessings, holy water for the sole purpose of baptism is said to always be sanctified with a special blessing[vii]. Water baptism for infants is most common in this denomination. Towards the end of the baptismal ceremony, the priest will pour water on the infants’ forehead three times, each after one of the three Divine names is mentioned. The purpose for this is said to be for the remission of the original sin that one is born with, whereas in the case of adult water baptism is for the pardoning of both original and actual sin[viii].
For other denomination, baptism doesn’t involve holy water, but simple submersion in a body of water after a prayer of dedication is said. This submersion is merely a public display of this dedication. This is not to undermine the significance of such an act. It could be in a pool; it could even be in a river, lake, or ocean. Joyce Marie Jackson writer of Like a River Flowing with Living Water: Worshipping in the Mississippi Delta wrote of both symbolic and literal benefits of water baptism:
Rites of passage such as birth, death, and marriage mark a change in a person’s social-religious position. Baptism in the Delta region, a symbolic ritual of purification and initiation, is a significant rite of passage. As late as the 1950s, river submersion was common in both African- and Anglo-American Protestant churches but continues today primarily among African Americans.
They are symbolic of purification, washing away evil and healing the physical as well as the spiritual being. The ritual act of immersion carries the hope of renewal and freedom, ideas that have driven African-American spirituality.
Some would also consider drinking holy water. This was also done in ancient times. Since the mid-13th century, Pochayiv Lavra Monastery has been said to have divine protection and the springs that bring forth water are said to have healing powers[ix]. Taking on this notion that people once believe in the miraculous powers of holy water, companies have decide to bottle holy water for daily consumption. It is stated that this will provide a daily reminder of a godly way of living to one who drinks it, thus improve our spirit or behavior. But take heed, it also gives warning to those evil in nature, mentioning adverse physical effects. Search www.holydrinkingwater.info for further information.
So whether it was being baptized in water in relation to my spiritual life, drinking water to nourish my physical life, floating in the ocean to relax in life, or signing a petition to further research and development of hydro electrical plants in Colorado, I have certainly come to realize that water is very essential and beneficial to our life and our way of living. It has been said, ‘If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.’ We need to be proactive.
The amount of water we had thousands of years ago, we still have. If we seem a little short, we are. We have many water sources-rivers and lakes-that are polluted, unusable. A prime example of a creek that has become invisible to the community is the Newtown Creek in New York[x]. It has been given the title of the ‘Most polluted waterway in America.’ Every year thousand of marathon runners pass over this creek, maybe covering their noises because of the stench. No one knows the name of the creek; no one knows why it smells so bad. Their goal is to just get past it. This is valuable water being wasted. Communities have always flourished around water sources. The ability is there to create something beautiful and useful for the community. With that said, it is necessary for us to make water visible to us again and become cautious of how we use water. Every small step moves us forward.
- [i] http://www.olympic.org/uk/sports/programme/disciplines_uk.asp?DiscCode=SW
- [iii] http://www.nctcog.org
- [iv] http://www.americaslibrary.gov/cgi-bin/page.cgi/jb/gilded/hydro_1
- [v] http://www.en.wikipedia.org/hydroelectricity
- [vi] http://www.waterencyclopedia.com/Ge-Hy/Hydroelectric-Power.html
- [vii] http://www.fisheaters.com/baptism2.html
- [viii] http://www.catholic.com/library/Infant_Baptism.asp
- [ix] http://www.mfa.gov.ua/serbia/serb/publication/content/25286.htm
- [x] http://www.pbs.org/pov/borders/2004/water
what did i learn? 05.08.09
what did i learn this semester?
-i can finish something i started
-i love research
- i say to much (write to much)
-im a procrastinator
-i am clueless when it comes to politics
-i am thirsty for knowledge
-i love being around meaty discussions.
-i enjoy meeting people from all ‘walks of life’
-that i DON’T EVER want to be a writer, unless i have no deadlines.
i love research.
its undeniable to me that i love researching into things. Even the topics that i wouldn’t have thought interesting, well i found them to be just that. Come to think of it, i do a little of researching in just about everything in my life. from whats in the food i eat. to how i can make ‘prepared foods’ from scratch. I research music and various types- learning to appreciate something about it. i research people i meet, asking them about their past-where they come from. I research what i will buy someone for an occasion, months in advance. I love to plan a vacation, because i research a city , a state, and find the spots i need to hit. I love digging into my own mind, my own heart. seen what lies within. i get lost sometimes. This semester i did just that. with my ability to write and write and write…. ive been keeing a journal – not a diary- grrr…. i hate that word…. since i was in 7th grade. so i have over 15years of writing. i love to write, but to write about something out of my box. ahh! it was beautiful. and since it was out of my box, i definently had to do some research…. and lost i would get. so lost i would forget what im suppose to right about.
so i heard of bob dylan… but did i know that some of his songs dealt with a civil issue during his day? nope. i’ve heard of slavery, but it began so much further back than i thought. i knew about wind mills and hydro electric plants,but after research i know so much more.
there is a world of knowledge out there, sometimes we get so complacent just where we are, what we know, and we don’t reach out and expand or minds. we don’t reach our full compacity. when i am challenged, yes its a pain in the ‘ask’, but in the end, ive worked my brain muscle and it feels so good. why only touch the surface of things, why not dig a little deeper, why not keep digging till you actually find something worth retaining. it may not be directly what you were originally searching for, but it may be a side thought, a popup as you might say.
ive decide that when ever i say… ‘ i don’t know.’ i am going to write it down and find out. come to know exactly what it was that stumped me.
blog 10–rough draft 04.24.09
Calories 0 ,Total Fat 0g, Cholesterol 0mg, Sodium 1mg, Total Carbohydrate 0g, Protein 0g, Vitamin A 0%, Vitamin C 0%, Calcium 0%, Iron 0%. Sounds like absolutely no nutritional value at all; well except that 1mg of sodium to helps to balance things out. Despite the zero status, water or H2o is essential to our very being. Our bodies are just about 70% water depending on our body size; our blood is made up of more than 80%, and our brain is about 80% water. Not to mention that the planet Earth we live on is covered by just about 70% of water. How is it that something so simple, something so plain can be so important?
blog9 04.23.09
Wind, I believe, has been swooping surfaces as long as it’s had one to move across, whether it is here on earth, mars, or Jupiter. The act of balancing out the pressure, that the gravitation force keeps restrained in our atmosphere, creates what we call wind. This pressure is caused by the cooling and warming of air brought about by one of our brighter stars-the sun. Wind essentially is ‘air in natural motion’. Air consists of mostly nitrogen and oxygen.
When most people thinks of wind many things come to mind, from its most gentle touch of it on their face on a hot day to the most destructive demonstration of its power in hurricanes, typhoons, and other natural storms. One may confuse what we feel when we are being packed on a back of Harley going 70mp or when we take a ride on the world’s fastest thrill ride Kingda Ka at Six Flags Great Adventure in New Jersey as wind, but it is not. That’s just us ‘breaking wind’. It is true wind in its natural form that you feel out in the open waters. It is evident as the sails catch the wind and use it to thrust your boat ahead. Maybe you will think of your younger years when the simple pleasure of flying a kite at the park made your day. Oh, how you looked forward to those windy days! At the same time, oh how you hated those windy days when you spend the day with your friends at the outdoor pool and would come out of the pool F-R-E-Z-Z-ING. As we got older, we hated the wind when we wanted to go fishing, but it made the water so choppy, or for us ladies, when going out for night of fun, the dang wind was messing up our hair as we stood in line to get access to the SPOT. These are things that most people relate to wind.
On a second note, to a few others, wind means something more useful, rather than just for recreation. Using the winds energy for powering mechanical machines has been done for quite some time. A webpage educating on energy states, ‘American colonists used windmills to grind wheat and corn, to pump water, and to cut wood at sawmills. As late as the 1920s, Americans used small windmills to generate electricity in rural areas without electric service.’ In more recent times, using the wind to create electricity has been a common topic of discussion in hopes of better our environment. Quite honestly the first time I saw a wind turbine was just three years ago. Now they may have been around a long longer than that, but it wasn’t anything publically advocated as much as it is today.
Last, but certainly not the least significant affiliation to wind, a small number of people will personify the wind, sometimes creating something spiritual from it. An example of this would be the Native Indian wind legend. According to the legend, it was bird that was sitting high atop a rock that flapped his wings creating the wind. Others believe that the wind in connected with ancestors, thus caring messages or even life within. As earlier mentioned, wind in the form of storms is common, but it has been passed on that the wrath of God is what brings about such strength in storms, and the mere balancing of pressure has nothing to do with such events.
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